Meesje

Er vliegt een koolmeesje tegen het raam op, al drie dagen lang. Boven op zolder en beneden tegen de tuindeur. Ik weet niet wat het wil, maar het geeft niet op. Het gaat dichtbij zitten, op het puntje van de konijnenren of op de waslijn van het dakterras. Het kwettert. Het spant het lijfje aan, het spreidt de vleugeltjes, en dan lanceert het zich. Nu gaat het lukken! Maar het raam geeft niet mee.

Zo voel ik me ook. Alleen wil ik niet naar binnen, maar juist naar buiten, mijn hoofd uit. Maar het hoofd geeft niet mee.

Wat zou het koolmeesje binnen willen? Zou het blij op onze haren willen zitten? Zou het mee willen pikken van de hutspot-met-jus? Een badje willen nemen in de pan met water in de gootsteen? Misschien wil het wel soezend tussen ons in zitten op de bank ’s avonds met een heel klein beetje warme chocolademelk en een kruimeltje koek. Met de veertjes opgezet, een beetje slordig, zoals vogeltjes dat doen. Zou het dan ook mee naar boven willen? Op het hoofdeinde van ons bed een mezenslaapje doen?

Misschien wil het gewoon even wat aanspraak. Even weg uit de mezenwereld, de dingen van een andere kant bekijken.

Maar weet je, meesje, binnen is ook niet alles. Want als je alles hebt onderzocht, wat dan? Dan blijf je toch die muren tegenkomen. Dan is de tuindeur dicht, en de zolderdeur ook. En dan? Dan zit je vast, opgesloten. In een te warm, benauwd huis, zonder andere meesjes. Zonder wind door je veren. Zonder zon op je snavel. Ik zou het niet doen. Ik zou eieren voor mijn geld kiezen en heel hard de andere kant op vliegen. Naar het onbekende, naar de wijde horizon. Wie weet wat je allemaal tegenkomt.

Meesje, ik heb een idee. We sluiten een deal. Jij gaat naar jouw horizon, ik naar de mijne. Ik schud met mijn hoofd tot alles rammelt. Ik onderzoek, ik maak nieuwe verbindingen in mijn brein. Ik doe net alsof ik niet bang ben voor het onbekende, en ik gooi mijn deuren wagenwijd open.

En van het voorjaar, meesje, wanneer het kriebelt, dan kom je even terug. Dan kom ik je tegemoet en dan laat ik de tuindeur open, zodat je heel even binnen kunt kijken. En daarna mag je in ons nestkastje achterin de tuin. Goed? Afgesproken.

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